im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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