I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
