You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
