Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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