You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
