I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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