My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
