I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
