Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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