just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
