I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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