My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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