Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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