I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am naked and annoyed.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
