five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There's always time for handjobs
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
