I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
