So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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