I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
