I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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