I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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