Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
