You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
