I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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