I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
