She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
