He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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