member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
