Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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