My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
