My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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