he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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