The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
