a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
