Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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