Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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