I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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