I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
