My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Never underestimate the power of titties
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