So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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