a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
