I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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