I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Success! We fucked roommates!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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