This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
