im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
