I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
