Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
