well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
