He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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