News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
