Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
