can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
