this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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