I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
