This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
