I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
