Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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