watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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